Time...

It's true what they say. Time does heal.

As it nears the two month mark of the day Jay's short but impressively full life was taken from him, I find myself finally able to talk and write about him without bursting into tears. However, I still don't have the right words.

That November Saturday, I frantically wrote him a letter. All the things I had never said came flooding into my mind and I felt I had to let him know immediately. I burned the letter outside hoping the smoke would carry my words up to him. Now all I have to say to him is... even if I rarely told you with words, I hope I made it clear with my actions.

Maybe next time I'll learn to put my guard down and just let myself feel...

This has been the first time I've dealt with death on such an intimate level. Sure, we've all had grandparents or someone we've known pass away at one point or another. To lose someone I loved romantically and shared a close friendship with was something nothing could have ever prepared me for. Time slowed and ticked agonizingly by. Every night I went to bed praying that I would wake up and that day never happened. But we can never go backwards... only forward. Now, I am oddly at peace. I miss him still and think of him often... but I am no longer crippled by the pain. I know he is in a better place.

I credit him with bringing out the unbridled, carefree girl in me. I had kept this aspect of myself carefully controlled, but he showed me by example how to really live in those few short years I've known him. Life is short. Time never stops for anyone. Coupled with the motivated woman in me, I can truly say my time with him was some of the best years of my life.

I never had anything bad to say about him - a true testament to his character, and this fact still remains true today. His influence will be felt for the rest of my life. I have to live more, and start chipping away at the walls I've long ago put up. Of course, even with this newfound epiphany, I know I still have a lot of growing to do. You can't plan love and life.

I've recently reconnected with someone who gives me a spark similar to what I felt with him. They even share similar initials. A part of me feels it's too soon, but at the same time it has been strangely cathartic. I don't believe in destiny, but I feel like maybe this was something that was supposed to happen. Like I met him for a reason.

Time - what a tricky concept.

Jayant... we met, we loved, and it was incredible. But now it's time for me to let you go. Rest in peace, my friend.

Blame it on the alcohol...

I felt his finger slip under the top of my shorts and slowly inch towards my buttcrack. So I bit. Hard.

"Ooooooh" was his reaction. Apparently he liked it. Whatever, at least his hand is out of my pants. My ass is secure - mission accomplished. I may be drunk, but I don't ever give up the goodies to strangers.

"You're fiesty, I like it."

"Asians are dragons, dude." I slurred. Maybe not those exact words, but a similiar rendition and equally embarrassing. I think I may have actually hissed at him too. But it's ok. Because I'm drunk.

At 26, this is my first time being a single woman since the 10th grade. I've always been in long-term relationships. As soon as one ends, I jump into another. Even what starts out as a casual fling end up turning into a two year relationship.

Then I get scared and back out.

So every time I find myself single, horny and blurry-eyed, it is inevitable I will be locking lips with a stranger in some dark corner of the club. I regret it later when I'm getting ready for bed and compulsively rinsing my mouth out with Listerine, but I figure you only live once. I might as well get it out of my system while I'm still young. No body wants to see a nasty forty year old cougar in a minidress trying to catch herself some fresh meat.

This is actually a genuine fear of mine.

I'm slowly inching towards thirty. I fear marriage and committment. It's no surprise I feel this way. Growing up, I used to ask my parents to get a divorce. Do I want love and stability? Yes. But there is a part of me that will always wait for the other shoe to drop.

Until I fix my issues, I will remain a single woman forever with an endless string of boyfriends, but never husbands. Sometimes I feel ok with that. Other days I wonder what my life has come to.