As a single woman, I've realized dating is taxing. It's also a lot of fun when you're with the right guy, but many times these things are a hit or miss. I've been on several dates this year and I've never gone back for a second.
I have a bad track record of attracting the crazies, and it makes me appropriately wary of people. In the not-so-distant past, I was legitimately stalked for months by a middle-aged hairy beast who more than once declared his love for me. Not only was he completely batty, but he wore too-tight shirts that did nothing but enhance his huge hairy man-nipples. I had a mental image of two giant tarantulas suffocating a slow death under his shirt. He asked for my hand in marriage so he could take me back to his home country. Persistent little bugger.
This experience undoubtedly deterred me from wanting to get acquainted with strangers, so it's no surprise I typically refuse dates when asked. But I am finding myself more and more open to the opportunity. My days in my twenties are numbered and I crave the experience. I don't want to have children one day and tell them that the only men I've dated were my boyfriends. Lame.
I have a bad track record of attracting the crazies, and it makes me appropriately wary of people. In the not-so-distant past, I was legitimately stalked for months by a middle-aged hairy beast who more than once declared his love for me. Not only was he completely batty, but he wore too-tight shirts that did nothing but enhance his huge hairy man-nipples. I had a mental image of two giant tarantulas suffocating a slow death under his shirt. He asked for my hand in marriage so he could take me back to his home country. Persistent little bugger.
This experience undoubtedly deterred me from wanting to get acquainted with strangers, so it's no surprise I typically refuse dates when asked. But I am finding myself more and more open to the opportunity. My days in my twenties are numbered and I crave the experience. I don't want to have children one day and tell them that the only men I've dated were my boyfriends. Lame.
So when Adam* asked me out on a date, I agreed. I had met him some time ago, but I just never felt any chemistry. I'm a girl who need sparks to fly when I first meet someone. My bestie is always telling me my standards are too high (I beg to differ), so I figured I should broaden my horizons. I drove myself and picked a restaurant close to home so I could easily flee if things were to go awry. I sat near the window, Corona in hand, and waited for him to arrive. He showed up, tall and smelling incredibly good. Not bad.
It didn't take long for me to notice he didn't have much of a personality and I did most of the talking. Strike one. I don't mind a little shyness, but all he did was laugh hysterically at everything I said, even when it wasn't funny. Awkward. So I plowed through my pasta and talked away, punctuated here and there by his too high-pitched laughter.
But I still felt something was amiss. He was fidgety about making eye contact. Strike two. Halfway into the dinner I finally realized why. One of his eyes was slightly lazy.. a la the Cookie Monster. Suddenly I found myself not knowing where to look. Making eye contact was confusing, not to mention challenging. On the rare instances he decided to look at me square in the eyes, my own pair uncomfortably wandered over to the lazy one to follow its line of vision. Then my mind would go to that lesser place of wondering what it's looking at. I was also running out of things to talk about, and our conversation hit an uncomfortable lull. He asked if I wanted to leave and go elsewhere to get some drinks.
I did what any girl would do in this situation, I excused myself and called my old roomie Lisa* from the bathroom. She and I had long set up a system. She was to call me back within minutes. Unfortunately, most of the time these calls consist of her cracking up on the other side, while I attempt to have a one-sided conversation. She called, inappropriately asked how "Mr. Googly-eyes" is doing and predictably broke into a fit of laughter. As we all know, I happen to have the biggest case of giggle fits which hits me at the most inopportune moments. I had the hardest time keeping a straight face.
In the end, I told Adam* I had to give my friend a mock interview (at 10pm at night lol) and asked for the check. As I always do, I offered to pay my share but he politely declined. He was the consummate gentleman, but it was an altogether boring date.
It didn't take long for me to notice he didn't have much of a personality and I did most of the talking. Strike one. I don't mind a little shyness, but all he did was laugh hysterically at everything I said, even when it wasn't funny. Awkward. So I plowed through my pasta and talked away, punctuated here and there by his too high-pitched laughter.
But I still felt something was amiss. He was fidgety about making eye contact. Strike two. Halfway into the dinner I finally realized why. One of his eyes was slightly lazy.. a la the Cookie Monster. Suddenly I found myself not knowing where to look. Making eye contact was confusing, not to mention challenging. On the rare instances he decided to look at me square in the eyes, my own pair uncomfortably wandered over to the lazy one to follow its line of vision. Then my mind would go to that lesser place of wondering what it's looking at. I was also running out of things to talk about, and our conversation hit an uncomfortable lull. He asked if I wanted to leave and go elsewhere to get some drinks.
I did what any girl would do in this situation, I excused myself and called my old roomie Lisa* from the bathroom. She and I had long set up a system. She was to call me back within minutes. Unfortunately, most of the time these calls consist of her cracking up on the other side, while I attempt to have a one-sided conversation. She called, inappropriately asked how "Mr. Googly-eyes" is doing and predictably broke into a fit of laughter. As we all know, I happen to have the biggest case of giggle fits which hits me at the most inopportune moments. I had the hardest time keeping a straight face.
In the end, I told Adam* I had to give my friend a mock interview (at 10pm at night lol) and asked for the check. As I always do, I offered to pay my share but he politely declined. He was the consummate gentleman, but it was an altogether boring date.
Next time I should follow my gut and go with someone who gives me sparks and rockets red glare. At least then there is the possibility of ending the night with some good ol sexy time. Maybe. Or not. ;)
* Names have been changed.
